I am a one month seminary graduate when I received a call asking if I am available to assist in worship one Sunday in August and September. God has taken me to many surprising places in my life but none so much as worship leader. Now this might seem strange since I mentioned seminary graduation but I graduated as a Chaplain. Chaplain training focuses more on holding space with people in their hour of need than ministry leadership.
After agreeing to help it occurs to me that I will be with the Sr. Pastor who will be in a robe and stole. Since I am not ordained, I will not have these things. Now what? When I am telling my best friend about this, who happens to be the Sr. pastor’s wife, she tells me to talk to him about it. So I call him and he says, “Wear the collar”. Wait, what, I can wear a collar? But we don’t do that in Presbyterian land. Sometimes we do, he explains, to hospitals and some public events. It’s optional for us. I’m feeling very uneasy about this, however I know that the pastor would never make me look foolish in public and he has mentored me through seminary so. . . ok, I’ll do it.
Then I realize, I have no idea how to get the collar and in a panic I put up a post on RevGalBlogPals, a web site and blog group dedicated to women pastors from all around the world. They come to my rescue directing me to a tab on the website and making suggestions and giving me tips about the style and brands and send me a pattern to convert my favorite blouse to the collared blouse. Who knew there were so many choices?
When the collar arrives I am actually nervous as I open the package. I am staring at the blouse and tab laying on the bed. Should I do this? Can I do this? What gives me the right to do this? I send a up a prayer, help me do this! I am so busy fumbling with the tab that I have not even noticed my reflection. Then I see myself in the mirror and I can’t believe that seminary has led to this, me in the collar. When I walk into the living room, to my expectant husband, a slow smile creeps across his face and I hear “You look awesome.” He is way more excited then I am and so proud of me he takes a head shot picture to post on Facebook.
Sunday roles around and I am nervous for many reasons but mostly because this will be the first time I’m in public in the collar. I pray for peace and whatever God can send me to move to this next step in my love for him and his people. We get to church very early. The music groups are rehearsing and service preparations are in full swing. I am arranging chairs and getting water for the Sr. Pastor when I hear from the music group, “Wow, you look great what do we call you now?” These are my friends, some of us have known each other for fifteen years and they have eagerly supported me through seminary. I hear the music leader say, “Call her Chaplain Dawn.” They all come over to me and hug me, say how proud they are of me and they want to touch the collar. I feel a sudden sense of peace and I shoot up prayer of thanks for these people who have loved and supported me and were an answer to my prayers at that moment.
When the Sr. Pastor sees me he has a big smile on his face and he is happy I am wearing the collar. After we mic-up and he puts on his robe, we have a moment to sit in the back and collect our thoughts before we go up front. He has his arm around me and says, “What are you thinking?” For the last several moments all I hear in my head is “Here I am Lord, send me.” He ends our pre-service prayer with “Here we are Lord, send us.” Just before we walk down the isle together we pause, I take a deep breath look at him and see a big smile. As we walk down the isle I see my husband in the choir loft beaming pride. When we sit down up front I see friends and family beaming love and support.
As my spiritual adviser and I reflected on that day he asks me, “What does the collar mean to you?” I realize the collar was more for me than for anyone else. Wearing the collar reminds me that God has called me to be more than the person who has been sitting in the pew all these years loving people and sharing her faith. The collar is a visual reminder that God called me to step it up and move from the pew to the front into leadership. I accepted that call when I went to seminary. The collar is a reminder that seminary is not enough. Now it is time to step into that call and my pastoral authority. Not the kind authority that lords over, but that kind of authority that says I am here to be a servant leader and to assist you in a deeper relationship with God, if you so choose. Wearing the collar is my answer to Isaiah 6:8, “Whom shall I send?” “Here I am Lord, send me.”